Shit, I'm Almost 30 Too. So What?

There’s a little media blitz going on right now about Star Wars’ 30 year anniversary, and it bothers me enough to set some thoughts down. Not one of the wistful nostalgic jerkoff news reports has mentioned what happened on the 20th anniversary: we all watched in horror as Greedo shot first, using some kind of technologically advanced laser gun that produced a beam brighter and greener than any other weapon in the galaxy. Confused but trying not to get distracted, we all hurried to the Falcon to get the hell off of this planet. But wait! Who is this slightly shimmering sluggy turd standing in front of our beloved ship, and why is it talking to Han, pretending to be real when it’s clearly a digital image superimposed upon reality? And is Han on peyote? He seems to be talking right back to this big video game character! Arrrghhhh…

And that was the beginning of the end. Two years later, he followed through on his shitty remakes with the first of three shitty prequels. Maybe the news is justified in celebrating the original version of New Hope – Lucas’ special effects innovations, his impact on film history (or at least money-making and licensing history), great. But I also want to hear just one news report about all the people (I know they’re out there) who think that Lucas yellowed his own legacy with all his later, crappier innovations, like Jar Jar, force nanites, Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen, and of course, Greedo shooting first. Fuck you Greedo, you draw slower than my gramma anyway. Bitch.